People often ask: “What is the hardest thing about living without money? “What did you give up to do this”?
I usually give a fairly benign answer like “I hate handwashing” or “I miss hot running water”. I have not, to date, been completely honest about what I really gave up and what I miss the most. I don’t think I’ve been honest with myself until now.
I gave up my relationship – my lover, my companion, my man.
I threw him to the wind as soon as I had this overwhelming desire to stop screwing the planet. I didn’t think he could fit in with my new life. I made an assumption that he wanted something vastly different – would not be supportive – so he had to go. I didn’t actually ask him at the time. I just sent him away after 7 years of life together. Only now, after three more years of coming and going from my moneyless world, he is gone.
I miss him terribly and wish there was another way. I regret the way I behaved. I regret pushing him away and being so damned independent.
Sure, I could not have continued in my life as it was. Sure, I needed to make some drastic changes. I read about this ‘moneyless living’ thing and I was off, bulldozing my way ahead into a new world – a world, ultimately, without him.
It’s done now.
It’s too late for anything to be repaired or recovered from this relationship. I have learned my lesson the hard way. I am impulsive and it’s to my own detriment at times. I have a very strong inner ‘warrior’ who gets all up in my face if I don’t trample my way through life in some quest to ‘fix’ things.
This has been my sacrifice.
He is what I miss most in my moneyless life.
The rest is easy and fun and good. I still have my Amy close by and I have great friends. I have a place to live and food and clothes. I am doing well.
I have broken my heart though. That is my own doing. I can’t go back now. I will learn to be softer, gentler, slower and not run riot over the feelings and lives of those who I love.
I’m incredibly sorry, my darling man.
You knew. I didn’t listen.
PS. To satisfy my dear friends I would add that I’m perhaps being too hard on myself and ‘it takes two to tango’!